We came to Hawaii one day before my birthday. It was the saddest birthday I ever had. We did not do any celebration, which was what I specifically asked for. I picked Hawaii mostly because I wanted my parents to visit this beautiful state. To some extent, I am moving the love and attention I reserved for you to my parents. This is a painful place. Everywhere I go, I think of our visit ten years ago. In addition, I would look at so many things that you would have enjoyed. And I saw so many young people, you could have been one of them.
A few weeks before you died, you asked for a trip to Half Moon Bay. That is the place where you released your stress from school work. You were so happy that day, chasing the waves. I know you love the ocean. I had so many memories. From our walk on the Atlantic beach in Colonia, Uruguay, to your swim in Dubrovnik in the Adriatic sea. Then there was the intercontinental ferry ride in Istanbul. You were excited with the ocean. This afternoon, I saw some pristine beaches created by the eruption of Kilauea. Ten years ago, you were here. You were only six then. You pulled down your pants and peed on the black sand beach. I captured that moment. This picture now haunts me. I cannot bring myself to the same beach. I wish you were here.
Although I have been traveling a lot lately, I have lost interest in almost anything and traveling anywhere. I enjoyed the trips with you so much and I had been looking forward to many more with you. Your departure plunged me into total darkness. When you left, you took half of me with you. I don't know how I could ever function normally, let alone be happy again.
So long my travel companion. I am continuing with my trip, which is now more like a death march. The pain of losing you is like having all my teeth pulled out without anesthesia. Unlike the physical pain, which is over quickly, this pain will last throughout the rest of my life.
We moved to a new AirBnB on the big island till the end of our stay. Our new place was very close to the Pacific. One day, we drove to a natural warm tidal pool. There was a long stretch of beach. I walked alone very far till there was no one around. There, I shouted out your name many times. Did you hear me, my dear? Many parents who lost their kids believe the spirit of their kids are around. Strangely I never dreamed of you, not even once. Neither have I received any 'sign' from you. But I did see some beautiful sunsets, and the rainbow on the day of your memorial service.
Twenty six years ago, when I first came to Hilo, I lay on the grass breathing in the Hawaiian air under the sun. Peaceful. I thought at the time, this would be the closest to heaven. At the same place, with your death, this place became hell.
I miss you Leo.